Good Morning! Come on in! The Coffee is almost ready and I’m in a terrific mood!
So, yesterday started like every other day. The Viking is supposed to get up at dawn but he rarely ever does. It’s almost like he doesn’t know he’s supposed to get up with the sun. It’s left to me to get him out of bed; it’s a chore but I try to have fun with it.
Once he’s vertical, we can talk……
Me: Play time! WooHoo! Come on! The plastic straps, the plastic straps, the plastic straps! Fuck! Okay. The fishing rod, the fishing rod, the fishing rod! Really? The crinkle toy, the crinkle toy, the crinkle toy!
The Viking: Coffee first.
Me: Dammit! Fine! Hurry up. Faster! Is that the absolute limit of your speed?
The Viking: Give me a minute! Stop sticking your feet under the faucet! I’m not drinking coffee that tastes like your fucking litter box!
Me: My feet are clean! I cleaned them myself!
The Viking: Are you ready for your breakfast?
Me: Now that you mention it, I’m starving!! Oh, wow! I am seriously starving! Hurry up with that food! Gawd! Are you ever slow! You’re useless! I bet you come from a long line of useless people. It’s a wonder you can dress yourself in the mornings. Come on Asshole! Get a move on! I am seriously going to shit on your pillow if you don’t get that food in the bowl…….
The Viking: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m coming.
Me: It’s about fucking time! Leave. So I can eat. Now.
I know, right? The shit I have to put up with. Of course I actually say that to him. I’ve never claimed to be a nice cat. Really? Why not? Then you are human whipped. I say whatever the hell is in on my mind.
The Missus played with me for a little while – not nearly long enough in my opinion. I told her exactly how useless she is as well. So I had a short nap until The Viking came in for his morning constitutional. But he casually went to the bedroom like he might be thinking of playing with me, so I followed him and then he made a mad dash down the hallway with his tablet in hand and closed the bathroom door against me! I said:
“HEY!! HEY!! WHAT THE FUCK! THE DOOR IS CLOSED! LET ME IN RIGHT NOW! THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT MAKES ME LIKE YOU LESS! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LOCKED ME OUT! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I ENJOY LYING IN THE SINK, WATCHING YOU. I DON’T CARE IF IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT! I USE A LITTER BOX! TRY GOING THROUGH THAT FLAP DOOR AND THEN WE’LL TALK ABOUT SMELLING LIKE SHIT! OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR IT’S SHIT ON YOUR PILLOW. I SWEAR I AM GOING TO SAVE AN ESPECIALLY SMELLY, LARGE ONE JUST FOR YOU! OKAY…..YOU ASKED FOR IT BIG GUY! I WILL NEVER LAY ON YOU EVER AGAIN!”
And then he finally opened the door – that threat almost always works. No, I didn’t say ‘thank you’ because I shouldn’t have had to make those threats in the first place.
The remainder of the day went by slowly because The Missus only played with me once. There was one guy, though, who came through the door. He stuck his hand toward me and I thought I was going to get a bite in but then The Missus was all “Careful! She bites!” and he jerked his hand away. I did slap him a good one on the back of his hat when he walked past me to leave though. It’s something, I guess.
It was after supper that things got interesting. The Viking and The Missus were watching TV and I was laying on my castle perch. Then I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye. It was moving slowly in jerky movements so I got down to get a closer look.
IT WAS A THING!! A LIVE THING!
I tried to high-five it but it took off running. I bounced after it and stepped on its tail. It smelled interesting. Why has The Viking and The Missus never brought me a toy like this before? It made little noises when it ran and I batted it around and tossed it into the air. I think the THING really liked it! We had a great time. The Viking wanted to know what I was doing but The Missus said:
“Shht! Leave her alone! She’s not bugging us!”
Eventually, the THING quit moving. I thought it might be sleeping so I lay down beside it and waited for it to wake up.
What did it look like?
Oh! Haha! You mean before I killed it?
What? Well I didn’t know I killed it until The Missus said I killed it. I didn’t know it was called a mouse until The Missus said it, either! Don’t look at me like that! It’s instinct! I couldn’t have stopped myself from killing it any more than a bird could stop flying…..unless it’s an emu or an ostrich…..well, that’s just muddying the waters now. The important point is that it’s our purpose in life! Embrace your inner assassin.
After a while The Missus went past for more water. On her trip back into the living room she stopped and really looked at the toy.
She said: “Holy Shit! That’s a real mouse!!” The Viking didn’t believe her at first but he got up and took a look for himself.
He said: “Yup. That’s a fucking mouse. How in the hell did it get in here?”
Her: It’s a pity mice don’t actually make and mend clothes like Disney would have us all believe.
Her: You know! Cinderella? The mice that made her dress? And birds don’t actually help the mice make the dress in real life, either.
Her: I’m not picking it up.
Him: I’m not either until I find something to grab it with.
Then The Missus turned her attention to me and she was all “Good girl, Izzie!! You killed a mouse! Yah!!!!” What followed was an orgy of treat giving and petting and praise and exclamations of “She’s only six and a half months old!” I basked. I think I like basking. Especially in praise.
And that’s why I’m in such a great mood today. I found my life purpose. And I’m still young! I can channel all my energy in one direction. I’m focused, like a lazer! I’m creating a patrol pattern throughout the house so I can be certain the perimeter won’t be breached without detection. I need a chase strategy – I can’t allow the intruders to find ‘bolt holes’ where I can’t reach them. Soooo much to do!
Well, I suppose it would have been better to have found my purpose helping cats in need or in cat search and rescue, but that’s not up to me. I just answered the call of destiny, my friend.