Well, I’m nothing if not adept at biting off more than I can chew so it shouldn’t come as a huge surprise to hear that I’ve done it again. This time I had help though. In the form of a Viking.
We were contentedly watching a movie last week when he suddenly said….
“How much longer do we need to be together before we get married?”
I laughed nervously; the subject of marriage always makes me a bit flinch-y.
Except, last weekend we celebrated our 10th year together. 10 YEARS! Some people might consider that a fairly lengthy engagement but, to be honest, I’m quite happy with the status quo. I don’t need a legal document to prove my love and a Common-Law status is legally almost as good as marriage anyway. You don’t spend 2 decades trying to make a marriage work, fail and then jump right back into the frying pan without at least a little apprehension.
The Viking: I’m not joking. How much longer do you need?
Me: Umm…..well I didn’t really have a specific date in mind – like 2021 or anything.
The Viking: It’s been 10 years already!
Me: I know. I just thought we had decided not to jump in this year.
The Viking: I know you’ve been married before and weren’t willing to make that decision too soon but it’s about time, isn’t it?
Me: I didn’t realize you were in a hurry.
The Viking: Well, I’ve never been married and I would like to get married before I die. To you! Erik and Annette* will be here and this is the only time we can get married when I could have a family member stand up for me.
Well, geez! If he’s going to put it that way…..
And he’s right – as usual. I thought we would get married in Denmark in a few years when we had a little more money, but it would be cheaper to do it here rather than flying my kids all the way to Denmark.
And maybe I should start dealing with my aversion to marriage and anything that even sounds like marriage. The Viking and I have been living and working together for years and years quite happily, so you wouldn’t think that a piece of paper would make any difference. It’s a piece of paper not a liver transplant! Right?
But deep in the back of my head is a voice saying, “Sometimes that piece of legal paper makes a world of difference.” Some people take it as permission to be controlling and over-bearing and jealous; I’ve seen movies! And what if there’s a skeleton in a closet that I haven’t located yet? What if he’s trying on my clothes when I go to the grocery store (not that there’s anything wrong with that if I know about it before I marry it!)? What if he has an entire family concealed in a neighbouring town (even I can see that this is not very likely, but still….)? What if he’s in the Witness Protection Program and mob thugs are going to show up here one day? What if…..
FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD……shut up already! If The Viking were truly like that and managed to fool me for 10 years(!) he deserves a medal of achievement. Besides, he doesn’t have the patience for it. He probably won’t change at all. And don’t you remember you called him an arse-ling just last week and he didn’t lose his shit at all! In fact, he actually smiled! So, maybe marrying him will turn out to be the best thing ever.
Or not. Gawd! My right eye is twitching. Is my eye trying to tell me something? Perhaps it knows something that my brain hasn’t picked up yet. It would be just like me to have a ‘twitchy eye’ instead of a ‘gut feeling’. On the other hand, you have to see something before your brain can do anything about it, so maybe my twitchy eye is ahead of the curve.
And now that I’m thinking about it, why in the hell would he want to marry me in the first place? I’m a mess! A 53 YEAR OLD Mess! It’s exhausting just thinking about all of my faults and weirdiness.
You know, he would really be better off with someone less……..
The Viking: HELLOOO?!
The Viking: I’ve been watching your face. Are you getting close to using words yet?
Me: Oh! Of course I want to marry you! What woman wouldn’t? Are you sure you want to go down this road? You’ll be stuck with me for the rest of your life because once I’m committed that’s it!
The Viking: I know. I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me if I wasn’t prepared to spend the rest of my life with you.
Me: What if I don’t meet expectations?
The Viking: You already don’t meet expectations. Nothing new there. I kind of like that about you.
The Viking: Why do you think I want to marry you?
Me: You have a concussion? Brain Cancer? You hear dead people? A VooDoo Doctor is making you do it? Blackmail? An evil curse? Selective Alzheimers?
The Viking: Oh, for fucksakes! Are you going to marry me or what?!
Me: Okay, fine! On one condition.
The Viking: Should I even ask?
Me: When I’m in a wheel chair, you will make it the fastest, most powerful wheel chair ever!
The Viking: You might not end up in a wheel chair.
Me: 70% chance.
The Viking: If you do, I will.
Me: And you’ll love me forever?
The Viking: I already do. More than you can even imagine.
And then all hell broke loose! I had 10 days to pull this off. I need an Official to do the ceremony, our rings, dishes, flowers, a wedding outfit, a tablecloth, cloth napkins and rings, wine glasses, drink glasses, serving platters, photographer, my Judgement of Divorce (who knows where the hell I stashed that damned thing?!), a marriage license, some place to have the ceremony and a pedicure/manicure. Then there are the Wedding Vows to write.
We aren’t equipped to have a wedding, even an incredibly small one. We only had 7 dinner plates and one of them had an ugly chip in it. No matching wine glasses. If I’m harnessing myself to The Viking for the rest of my life there had better be some matching wine glasses!!
Today, I have exactly 5 days left to find a photographer, get the marriage license and find a nice spot in Bowness Park. Thanks to my Mim, we’ve accomplished a damned miracle getting the other stuff.
Even better, I am actually looking forward to My Teeny Weeny Viking Wedding.
I’m still stressed but there is a small chance that I might be ready for Saturday morning when we pick up Erik and Annette at the airport.
Sweet Bejesus!! I forgot about a cake! May this be the only thing I’ve forgotten. Sigh. Deep breaths. It will be fine. It’s a wedding, not a Heart Transplant.
*The Viking’s brother and his lovely wife, Annette.