A Conspiracy of Dicks

There’s a conspiracy against me.  I don’t know who it is or why they are doing it, but someone is definitely being a dick.

I could understand it if I lived in a small town or in the country, but I don’t.  I live in a big-ass city so the chances should be good that I would be privileged.  I give money to charities and help those who need a hand sometimes.  I’ve been building up good karma for decades!

Sure, every once in a while I flip a bad driver the bird – who doesn’t?  And I regularly hang up on those people, calling from a third world country, who tell me there is a problem with my Microsoft programs.  Religious groups ringing my front door bell are usually given less than polite conversation but I don’t call them names or anything like that.  I just tell them I’m not interested, wish them a good day then close the door.  That’s not horrible.

True, I did call a couple of guys ‘Fucking Idiots’ but they had that coming!  The Viking left the front door open for the air conditioner overnight and these two assholes start ringing the doorbell at 6:00 in the AM!  Why?  They wanted to share their fucking Jagermeister with me AT SIX O’CLOCK IN THE DAMNED MORNING!  On a Saturday!  This shouldn’t cost me negative Karma at all because even the Lord Almighty would have called them ‘Fucking Idiots’ after spending 10 minutes trying to get his door out of their drunken grip (why are drunks so freakishly strong?  It doesn’t make sense!).

My Member of Parliament sends out these sheets of propaganda and I admit that I decorate them with colored markers, citing every grievance I have against their Neo-Liberal bullshit, and then mail it back ‘postage paid’.  I’m fairly confident that it gets delivered because I make block letter complaints about their efforts to privatize Canada Post so it’s in their best interest to deliver it, right?  So, I suppose, if my MP gets hurt feelings, there might be a ding of bad karma, but not so much it should make a difference.

So, I’m mystified at the seemingly deliberate plan not to do Flash Mobs anywhere around me.  I’m sure the jerks know that I would LOVE Flash Mobs to happen at the grocery store or in my front yard and yet there hasn’t been a single incident of Flash Mobbing in the entire community!  What’s up with that?!

Like this:

How do teenagers deserve a Flash Mob and I don’t?  Teenagers can be total dicks like no one else can be total dicks and they haven’t had nearly as many years accruing karma, yet here they are enjoying a Flash Mob.

That one showed up on my Face Book feed and it led me down a YouTube rabbit hole of Flash Mobs that have never happened near me.  Some of them were wonderful and some were lame but I’d even take a lame Flash Mob.  After an hour lost in the depths, I found one that was my favorite.

Oh…those Russians, right?

I’m guessing that some of you, too, have never been privileged enough to deserve your own Flash Mob but maybe you have seen videos of enough to have a favorite.  Put a link in the comments so I can live vicariously through you.

And, for the Powers That Be who are not letting Flash Mobs happen on my front lawn during the hours of 9:00am to 6pm……you’re dicks.

 

Share me on FaceBook.  It’s good Karma.

8 thoughts on “A Conspiracy of Dicks”

  1. I too have been shunned by the flash mob. You could always be your own one-person flash mob–just randomly break out into Michael Jackson’s Thriller at the office. Someone is sure to film you–you might just start a trend!

    1. Haha! I think my entire neighbourhood just shuddered. :o) You bring up an interesting point though. I could do a Flash Mob for The Viking! I’m sure he would completely enjoy me busting some moves in the garage. I tried to seductively enter a room once (starting with a leg, then an arm gripping the door frame, then a boob….you get the idea) but he just started laughing and said “What the fuck are you doing?!” I’m sure my dance moves will work better though. :o)

  2. Haha, your above comment reminds me of the movie True Lies, with Jamie Lee Curtis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hilarious. And, drunks at your door at 6am with jager? Did they wander off from a nearby party? Yikes.

    1. Now that you mention it….it WAS kind of like that. Except Jamie Lee Curtis actually IS sexy. :o) I think those two guys were wandering home from a party or possibly looking for another one. Either way, ringing my door bell at 6 am wasn’t welcome. LOL.

  3. Why is it that these flash mobs don’t seem to involve actual flashing? Nothing to do with camera equipment, but actually showing people your privvy parts? Not streaking either, unless you want to class flashers as slow-of-foot streakers. (If there are actual videos of mobs I posit above, don’t tell me, and YouTube would likely have removed said videos since.)

    1. Oh! LOL!! I NEVER thought of that! Maybe they would be called ‘Flasher Mobs’ but I would still LOVE one of those to erupt in the neighborhood! I suppose the Chippendales could be considered a ‘Flasher Mob’ but you have to go to them which is totally inconvenient AND they want money for it. :o) It’s a great idea because a bunch of naked people dancing would be a wonderful thing. :o)

      1. Wouldn’t it just?! Guess one has to go to music festivals or such for that much nakedy dancing. :-/ 🙂

        1. There is Nakedy Dancing at music festivals?! I did not know that. You are a fount of information, Gale. My ex-husband once scaled a significant rock cliff because someone said there was a nude beach on the other side, but when he and his friend got to the top of the rock to peer down on the nudey beach….it was all MEN laying around naked. Intrigued, I asked my friend if SHE wanted to scale the rock but she said ‘Fuck that! I’m not that desperate to see a bunch of old naked guys on a beach. Just hand me another daiquiri.” And I have to admit, the daiquiris were very, very good and probably much better than old naked men. :o)

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