It’s okay. Go ahead – have a moment. Hell, take three, because you deserve it. I can’t think of anyone more deserving than you. Of course I’m biased, but I’m sure everyone would agree with me.
So, you had a little meltdown last week, got drunk and bawled for 6 hours – it happens to everyone at some point. No need to beat yourself up. In fact, you should pat yourself on the back for keeping the whole affair relatively quiet – you didn’t do it in Wal-Mart did you? You didn’t wear a T-Shirt with your full name and address on it, right? See? That’s something to think about.
And no one took videos, did they? Yes, I know you had headphones on and your back to the room, so it would be almost impossible to be certain, but there was only The Viking and Junior around and The Viking wouldn’t take advantage, now would he? Junior…..well, he does have a cell phone glued to his hand, but I can’t see him adding insults by posting your drama on Face Book. Remember? He loves you.
Yes, he does! It just felt like you were alone in the world. You have a ton of people who love you and care for you and are now looking at you like you’re a fucking lunatic. How did I know what you were thinking? Because you aren’t the only one who has dropped the burden momentarily and then had to face the people who have seen you at your absolute worst. It’s an embarrassment but it won’t kill you. In fact, those witnesses are now frantically scouring their brain trying to find a way to help you. So, just let them fucking help you! They feel like shit because they didn’t think they needed to pay attention as closely as they should have.
Small problems accumulate until they become overwhelming mountains that block out the sun. You aren’t imagining anything that isn’t real. It totally is real! Stress changes the way your brain performs; neurons and electrons, hormones and proteins behave differently, your body functions at a slower rate – these things are out of your control. All you can do is recognize the signs.
Did you just tell me to fuck off?! I’m trying to help you and you tell me to fuck off?! It’s not all bullshit. Seriously?! You think life would be less stressful in prison? A convent?! Do they even exist anymore? And if they do exist don’t the nuns have to work all day and pray every 3 hours? You have difficulties getting up for 9:00 in the morning. Yes, you do. Don’t shit a shitter.
Fine. Prison it is. You would get 3 meals a day and I suppose you might be able to spend the rest of your time with adult coloring books. You won’t have to pay bills or make meals or run errands either. There might even be a library and I would assume you could take online university courses. Or not. How the fuck would I know what you would be allowed to do? Do I look like a hardened criminal to you?! I think it’s safe to assume that you can’t pick your meals from a menu and they probably don’t have fizzy water on tap. I don’t know if you can bring a TV from home or if cable is available in your cell. And, it’s highly unlikely they would have a Nail Technician or a Beauty Consultant on staff. No. I’m not calling Martha Stewart. Besides, she’s American and would have very little knowledge about the Canadian Penal System.
Speaking of which – how do you know that you won’t get assigned to kitchen duty anyway, with a big broad who makes shivs out of turnips? What if they make you go out in the yard in the rain? What if they make you eat tuna salad on enriched white bread? What if there are no private showers?
You might even have a cellmate. Well, I suppose you might be able to arrange Solitary Confinement – if it’s an actual thing here – but then you probably won’t be allowed to take your coloring book and pencils in case you decide to poke an eye out. You might be lucky to get a beat-up copy of The Odyssey by Homer to keep you amused.
Yes…. you would get caught up on sleep but once you’ve accomplished that…..well, what then? I suppose you could work out. Maybe there would be a yard somewhere, full of weight machines that you can just start bench-pressing 350 pounds and sweat like…. like…. a dude bench-pressing 350 pounds.
Are you really certain that Prison life is for you? True, you would have very few responsibilities and money wouldn’t be an issue because Conservatives love their prisons, but there is a lot of downsides, the least of which is the big broad that makes shivs out of turnips. There is the problem of getting invited to prison as well; you can’t just show up and check yourself in. That would be the Looney Bin. I understand that the entry requirements are much less stringent, so there is that…..
They don’t make you have public showers and you might not have a cellmate in case someone decides to poke someone else’s eye out with a pencil. Your art will have to be done with pastels and crayons while Nurse Ratchet fills a syringe with psychedelic drugs and critiques your work though.
So, after all of this, you are right back where you started from – a lunatic not yet in an asylum. Just go to bed for a couple of days and ‘adult’ next week.
Also, thank The Gawds that you have The Viking and you aren’t sitting alone in your dark closet. Okay….you might still be sitting alone in your closet, but at least The Viking will check on you occasionally.