IKEA and Kryptonite

There aren’t many things that get between The Viking and I, but IKEA is one of them. It’s our Kryptonite. The cafeteria is fine because we can still sit down like civilized human beings and have something to eat. As soon as we leave the cafeteria though, we start getting a little stressed. We give each other a last, loving smile knowing full well that it might be days before we look at each other lovingly again.

For whatever reason, this trip is the worst one yet.  The Gods are laughing at us.  By the time we get home, we aren’t speaking to each other at all. As soon as we get all of our purchases in the house we scatter. I go for Netflix because he has gone to the office to play a computer game.

I’m so pissed off that I start planning all the ways I am going to make his life miserable. And I’ll start by not getting him a drink when I go to get myself a drink. How does that feel, Asshole?! While I’m at it, I’m going to make some delicious Popcorn and not even offer you half of it. I’m keeping it all to myself!

When I decide to go to bed I shut the lights out immediately so he can’t get his CPAP machine ready with the lights on. Usually I put on a sleep mask and leave the lights on for him.  BUT NOT TONIGHT, BUDDY!!  I picture him dejected and sad and I smile grimly.  Good.

The next morning I get myself a cup of coffee without even asking if he wants one. “Fuck you!” I think. Then I get myself some cereal and I don’t get his cereal out.  Yes, I know I’m being a bitch but I don’t really care at the moment.  I’m too busy being self-righteously offended.  

When I had to go to the bathroom I used up the roll of toilet paper but didn’t put on a new roll. He’ll have to take it from the spool behind the roll himself. Ha HA! And I didn’t turn the fan on when I left either. That’s the smell of karma, Viking! I think I might have a talent for revenge.

But…..just when I was really getting creative………he apologized. Viking style. “I’m sorry.” That was it. Nothing more.

It had the impact of a turd in the swimming pool.

The wind in my sails died instantly. Well, fuck. I was still in battle mode. It was like winning the fight that the opponent didn’t even know he was in. Not very satisfying at all! I wanted him to suffer and then slowly come to realize that his current bad luck was being manufactured by me……in revenge. Now, he’s being so adult that I am forced into being adult as well when all I really want to do is steal his toys and his best friend.

I’ve mellowed over the years so the revenge I plotted for The Viking wasn’t nearly as bad as the revenge I committed on my ex-husband.  When I was all righteously offended with him I would leave the wrapping on the cheese slice when I made his lunch.  He would take a big bite of his sandwich, anticipating yummy goodness and his teeth would hit plastic wrap.  At that point he would phone me and be all shouty and angry because the fastest way to piss off the Ex was to mess with his food and I would say “Yeah, well, I was annoyed at the time but I’m over it now.”  Unfortunately for him, he still had 3 more sandwiches with the plastic wrap on the cheese.

With the apology just laying there I had to say something. You can’t just not say something. And it has to be a nice something, because he is being nice.

“That’s okay. I guess.” I muttered. And it has to be okay. You can’t say it’s okay if you don’t mean it and since I said it, now I have to mean it.

So I sat down with a cup of coffee and told The Viking about all the horrible things I had done to him since we got home from IKEA.

He said “I knew what you were doing.”

“No you didn’t!”

“Yes, I did.”

“Really? You knew I left the bathroom smelly on purpose?!”

“Yup.”

Fuck. Apparently I’m far too predictable and clearly too obvious.

……..

……..

Either I am the best damned Villain of all time (he did apologize a mere 12 hours after the incident) or he wanted me to quit fucking around thinking up revenge in case I actually stumble on something truly horrible – like changing the seat settings in his truck.

Dr. Evil

 

 

6 thoughts on “IKEA and Kryptonite”

  1. I love you. Where have you been all my life? We would SO be besties in real life 🙂

    I would do this shit, but my husband would never notice, and he would always be more mature than me.

    1. I think we should be besties anyway. :o) I can never have too many friends. I’m also very glad you liked the post. I really enjoy your posts as well.

  2. You’re much more grown-up than I. I cannot gracefully accept an apology while the sails of revenge are still full of righteous anger. Husband and I have come up with a few code words/phrases I can use during these times, to convey “I still love you and totally want to be done being mad at you but I’ve got all this leftover mad going spare and there are starving children in third world countries who will maybe never get to be this angry with anyone so I hate to waste it.” The problem is that I can never remember what we agreed on, once I’m actually in that situation. So I end up shouting, at top volume, whatever random thing pops into my head.

    Somehow, it’s just not as mature and dignified when he says, “I’m sorry” and all I’ve got in return is, “I REALLY WANT A FERRET!”

    1. LOL! The whole time I was writing this I kept thinking that this can’t possibly be the healthy way to deal with conflict. Granted, it is much quieter, but it took 12 hours to resolve. I’m sure Dr. Phil wouldn’t approve. And if you don’t mind, I’m going to use “I REALLY WANT A FERRET!” next time we have a ‘situation’. The Viking will NOT see that one coming! :o)

    1. You should see us when we really get going! We’re more fun than a barrel of monkeys….when they aren’t throwing poo. In that case we’re more fun than squirrels in church.

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