There aren’t many things that get between The Viking and I, but IKEA is one of them. It’s our Kryptonite. The cafeteria is fine because we can still sit down like civilized human beings and have something to eat. As soon as we leave the cafeteria though, we start getting a little stressed. We give each other a last, loving smile knowing full well that it might be days before we look at each other lovingly again.
For whatever reason, this trip is the worst one yet. The Gods are laughing at us. By the time we get home, we aren’t speaking to each other at all. As soon as we get all of our purchases in the house we scatter. I go for Netflix because he has gone to the office to play a computer game.
I’m so pissed off that I start planning all the ways I am going to make his life miserable. And I’ll start by not getting him a drink when I go to get myself a drink. How does that feel, Asshole?! While I’m at it, I’m going to make some delicious Popcorn and not even offer you half of it. I’m keeping it all to myself!
When I decide to go to bed I shut the lights out immediately so he can’t get his CPAP machine ready with the lights on. Usually I put on a sleep mask and leave the lights on for him. BUT NOT TONIGHT, BUDDY!! I picture him dejected and sad and I smile grimly. Good.
The next morning I get myself a cup of coffee without even asking if he wants one. “Fuck you!” I think. Then I get myself some cereal and I don’t get his cereal out. Yes, I know I’m being a bitch but I don’t really care at the moment. I’m too busy being self-righteously offended.
When I had to go to the bathroom I used up the roll of toilet paper but didn’t put on a new roll. He’ll have to take it from the spool behind the roll himself. Ha HA! And I didn’t turn the fan on when I left either. That’s the smell of karma, Viking! I think I might have a talent for revenge.
But…..just when I was really getting creative………he apologized. Viking style. “I’m sorry.” That was it. Nothing more.
It had the impact of a turd in the swimming pool.
The wind in my sails died instantly. Well, fuck. I was still in battle mode. It was like winning the fight that the opponent didn’t even know he was in. Not very satisfying at all! I wanted him to suffer and then slowly come to realize that his current bad luck was being manufactured by me……in revenge. Now, he’s being so adult that I am forced into being adult as well when all I really want to do is steal his toys and his best friend.
I’ve mellowed over the years so the revenge I plotted for The Viking wasn’t nearly as bad as the revenge I committed on my ex-husband. When I was all righteously offended with him I would leave the wrapping on the cheese slice when I made his lunch. He would take a big bite of his sandwich, anticipating yummy goodness and his teeth would hit plastic wrap. At that point he would phone me and be all shouty and angry because the fastest way to piss off the Ex was to mess with his food and I would say “Yeah, well, I was annoyed at the time but I’m over it now.” Unfortunately for him, he still had 3 more sandwiches with the plastic wrap on the cheese.
With the apology just laying there I had to say something. You can’t just not say something. And it has to be a nice something, because he is being nice.
“That’s okay. I guess.” I muttered. And it has to be okay. You can’t say it’s okay if you don’t mean it and since I said it, now I have to mean it.
So I sat down with a cup of coffee and told The Viking about all the horrible things I had done to him since we got home from IKEA.
He said “I knew what you were doing.”
“No you didn’t!”
“Yes, I did.”
“Really? You knew I left the bathroom smelly on purpose?!”
Fuck. Apparently I’m far too predictable and clearly too obvious.
Either I am the best damned Villain of all time (he did apologize a mere 12 hours after the incident) or he wanted me to quit fucking around thinking up revenge in case I actually stumble on something truly horrible – like changing the seat settings in his truck.