I hate lectures that revolve around bad habits and lack of effort. Okay…….to be clear, I enjoy listening to lectures that involve other people’s bad habits and lack of effort, just not my own. I would find it endlessly entertaining if someone attempted to lecture The Viking. I wouldn’t recommend it, but it would be entertaining to watch if only for the cursing and tool throwing. If you think you’d like to give this a try, please let me know in advance so I can have a comfortable chair, goggles, old clothes and a glass of wine on hand. And maybe a camera.
Where was I? Oh yes – lectures. I especially hate lectures given by Computer Gurus – they are worse than doctors and born-again Christians. They get that condescending look on their face and say things like “Did you plug it in?” and “When was the last time you cleaned it?” So when my computer needed a restart and it didn’t come back to life, I said, “What the FUCK?! Start, damn you!”
When that didn’t work I threw my hands in the air, rolled my eyeballs, and yelled, “My computer won’t start!!”
The Viking’s supportive, caring and encouraging response was “I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY THOSE FUCKING GAMES!!”
After poking and fiddling with it, he decided I blew the video card again. AGAIN! He muttered about my fucking games some more and then bought a new video card. He pushed the power……and nothing. “What the FUCK?! Start, damn you!”
I said, “That’s what I said!”
After exhausting all his ideas and most of his curses, he admitted defeat. “Call Tommy.”
I heaved a sigh & shuddered. “He’s going to yell at me.” The Viking didn’t seem to have a fuck to give about that.
When Tommy arrived I tried to run, but he saw me and said “Freeze, Lady!”
I said, “Aaahhhaaggg!” and waved my hands over my head in frustration. He laughed because we both know what comes next: the Lecture.
“Do you shut it down every night?”
“When was the last time, before this, that you shut it down?”
“Um……7…no, 8 months ago because it threatened me.”
“When was the last time you cleaned it?”
“9 months ago.”
“Do you play online games?”
The Viking decided to take Tommy’s side in the matter. “I told her not to play those fucking games! I told her!!”
Sigh. “Yeeees. I play online games.” Flipping my middle finger at The Viking. Traitor.
“You need this computer for work, right?”
“But you still play online games with it?”
“Yes. But I have a good Anti-Virus program and Malwarebytes!”
“You do know that online games are played by millions of people and if they get a virus, then you’ll get a virus blah blah blah blah blah…..” The only thing missing here was a metal table, handcuffs and a bare lightbulb swinging slowly back and forth overhead.
“Can you fix it?” Really, that’s all I want to know.
The short answer came 6 hours later. “No. You need a new motherboard, one of your drives is fine, one can be saved and the other one is toast. My advice: build a new computer.”
Of course that’s his advice.
So, now I’ve been scolded and I have to pay, at a bare minimum, $1500 for a new computer and all the fucking programs. Dammit!
Stupid computer! That’s the problem with machines: they are ungrateful bastards that look for the first excuse to fuck you over. How am I supposed to relax now? Read for 4 hours a day? I fall asleep after 3 pages of a book nowadays and then the tablet falls out of my hand and lands on my toes and then I swear a lot. I almost never fall asleep in the middle of a mission on my games. I suppose I could finish that damned Cross Stitch Baby Blanket project that has been in my closet for 11 years. Or worse, I could clean.
I wish I could point a finger at someone and blame them, but I can’t. No one forced me to play computer games, but in my defense, if computers weren’t intended to play games they shouldn’t be making games for them. I’m only human after all. How much control do they think I have? I already battle temptations involving chocolate and Toffifee and jewelry and cake and shoes.
Now I will have a computer that is useless for anything other than work. Sigh. The Computer Gawds are no friends of mine. Apparently.
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