Come in! Coffee is ready.
OH! Watch the kitten…..she bites! I know she’s absolutely adorable but she’s like a rose with extra thorns. And it’s probably not a good idea to sit on that particular chair because she uses it as a launch pad to get to the window or as an aid to change directions in a flat out race. You’ll feel like you’ve been molested by the time you leave.
Okay. You’ve been warned. :o)
So, I decided that I just don’t get enough fun time during an ordinary day. I haven’t pulled The Viking’s pants down in the garage for eons or given him a Wedgie either. I think it’s because he doesn’t react; he just stands there putting that carburetor together without missing a beat while his pants are around his ankles. Honestly, I’ve gotten bored with his lack of reaction and gone in the house. I did wonder once if I should just pull his pants up again for him but then I thought “No way! What little fun I did get out of Pantsing him would be obliterated!” I think he’s being Passive Aggressive or something. One time he cooked a whole pound of bacon and fried 4 eggs with his pants around his ankles.
No. I’m not kidding you. I stood beside the table the entire time and he never pulled up his pants. I think I even asked, “Aren’t you going to pull up your pants?” and he said, “What the fuck for? You’ll just pull them down again.” Which was probably true.
The one time I actually did get a reaction was when I started flapping his left nipple when we were reading in bed. I kept reading but my finger was flicking the nipple at approximately 6 flicks per second. He didn’t do anything! So I moved it up to about 8 flicks per second. Still nothing! Finally, at about 15 flicks per second he said, “What the fuck are you doing?” I’m not sure what kind of reaction I was hoping for but that wasn’t even close! Maybe mutual nipple flicking? I don’t know but after a while I got bored and stopped flicking it.
Exactly! That would have been a load of fun! There would be laughing and giggling and finger flicking…..it would have been awesome! Instead, it’s a bloody shame. Sometimes, when I’m walking past him, I’ll give one of his nipples a half-hearted flick but I’m beyond expecting a reaction anymore.
And then, night before last, we had a conversation:
I said to The Viking: You know what we’ve never done? Wrestle. We should wrestle.
He said: No.
Me: Why not?
Him: I don’t want to hurt you.
Me: What kind of wrestling do you think I’m talking about? Optimus Prime vs. Megatron?
Him: Someone always gets hurt wrestling.
Me: Not always! When it’s love-wrestling no one gets hurt and maybe it’ll end up in something else entirely.
Him: No.
Me: Come on! You’ve never chased me around the bed before either.
Him: Why would I chase you around the bed? That just wastes a lot of time and we don’t need that shit!
Me: Well….not a lot of time because the bedroom isn’t that big. And now that I’m thinking about, it we can’t run around the bed so we’d have to crawl over the bed. That would make it the slowest chase in recorded history – like getting run over by a steam roller. And there would be a significant risk of me getting a boob caught under my knee. Fine! You don’t have to chase me around the bed.
Him: Pfft!
Me: That doesn’t excuse the lack of love-wrestling going on in this house.
Him: I’m not fucking wrestling with you. You’ll get hurt! I’m only trying to protect you!
Me: …..
Him: …..
Me: You’re one of those people who are ‘in it to win it’, aren’t you!
Him: …..
Me: You always have to win, don’t you?!
Him: Oh for fucksakes!
Me: You always have to have the last word too.
Him: I do not.
Me: Yes you do.
Him: I do not.
Me: See? The last word.
Him: FOR FUCKSAKES!! I’m going to read!
Me (calling after him as he stomps down the hallway): Last word!!
So, I guess wrestling is off the table. I’m down to prank phone calls now. When I go shopping and he’s all alone to answer the phones I’ll call and ask if Mike Hunt is there. He’ll probably recognize my voice though. Sigh.
OH! Let me get you a Bandaid. And some Peroxide. I told you she bites. I’ve been buying Bandaids in bulk since we got her.
I’m so glad you dropped by. I’ve missed you terribly. We have to get better at staying in touch.