Hey! How are you? It’s been a couple of weeks since we last had coffee. I couldn’t get my shit together last week which is nothing new to those who know me. I start one thing, get interrupted with something more important, get side tracked and then forget where I was with the first thing. My mind isn’t an orderly, organized mind. It’s a mass of jumping beans dancing to a Mariachi Band.
On Friday, I planned a Happy Birthday phone call to my Father. He’s a busy man, always gadding about, bullshitting with friends: coffee at A&W, crib at the Senior’s Center, lunch with friends, bowling, curling and other sundry events. My call was timed for 1:30pm which should be after lunch but before naptime. I missed that deadline (surprise!) because….well….shit happens around here; it was almost 2:00 when I called, but at least I hadn’t forgotten altogether.
Me: Hey Dad! Happy Birthday!
Me (louder): HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Dad: Well, thanks, Lor. Even if it is 4 days early.
Dad (louder): IT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY!
It’s sad when a parent starts going downhill. They’ve always been the strong, wise person you can depend on no matter what happens. I guess age has finally caught up with the old guy.
Me: Of course it’s your Birthday, Dad.
Dad: It is not!
Me: Dad! It’s the 5th of May! Your birthday!
Wait. 5th of May? That’s not right. Who’s birthday is on a 5th?
Gawd Dammit!!! My older sister is born on March 5th! Dad is on May 9th! Fuuuuuuuuuck!!
I started to laugh. What else can I do, right?
Dad: The bastards moved my Birthday, hey? Maybe I should call you on March 29th next year.
Me: Hahahaha! You can if you like.
He shouldn’t have been surprised. I find calendars challenging and it’s not a new thing. Birthdays, holidays, special days, week days, weekends……it clutters up my chaos. And there’s no rhythm to most of them. Easter can fall anywhere from the end of March to the middle of April. How am I supposed to work with that?
And Birthdays! Gawd! Everyone has to have one! Can’t we just schedule the 15th of every month to celebrate Birthdays? Bakeries wouldn’t have to be baking damned cakes every day…..they could just make a whole shitload on the 14th. The staff at Swiss Chalet could just hire a few local singers to stand in a corner annoying everyone all at the same time. No need to embarrass the staff and force them to hold Sparklers which may or may not light their hair on fire. They could have a 6:00pm song and an 8:00pm song. Done!
Mother’s Day & Father’s Day – why can’t these days be celebrated on the same day? All the women can go to a Brunch Buffet and all the Fathers can gather at a Sports Bar for beer and chicken wings. Or vice versa – this isn’t a stereotype exercise. Mothers in the morning, Fathers in the afternoon. Done!
We also have Remembrance Day, Labour Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Canada Day (4th of July for my American friends), Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, Family Day, Naked Gardening Day and Thanksgiving and that’s just the main days I have to keep track of. Who planned this mess? Can’t we just designate the 1st weekend in every month a Special Whatever Day and give everyone the Friday and the Monday off work?
And let’s make a law about commercialization. I walk into the grocery store on the 16th of February to find an explosion of Easter shit. I think “HOLY SHIT!! Is it Easter already? Cripes! I don’t have a plan! I don’t have a turkey or ham!” My blood pressure skyrockets and I feel faint.
Last year they were hanging Hallowe’en costumes beside Santa suits. That’s just wrong on so many levels it’s hard to pick just one beef. They’re killing me with conflicting messages.
As for Dad’s Birthday…..well….he might be irritated but he’ll get over it. If it makes him feel better to do unto me what I have done unto him, it’s all good. I totally deserve it for being such a useless User of Calendars. And if he forgets to call on my birthday I probably won’t even notice because I’ll be in a panic about Easter.
So how has your last couple of weeks been? Anything new and exciting? Spill!
As always, a special thanks to Part-Time Monster for Weekend Coffee Share and Nerd in the Brain for hosting. You rock.