Sleeping peacefully.
Bladder: Um…..I know you’re sleeping and I don’t mean to be a bother but I’m very full right now.
Me: Really? I’m having a great dream.
Bladder: Yes, I know. It’s just that the kidneys are being totally douche-y.
Me: 15 minutes. Just give me 15 more minutes of sleep.
Sleeping.
Lower Back: Can I bother you to change your sleeping position? This one is killing me!
Legs: And punt the cats! We’re getting cramps.
Neck: I could use a change, too. You don’t want to be a Pain in the Neck cliche.
Bladder: I can’t wait anymore! If Nose decides to sneeze, you’ll have to bring in a HazMat Team.
Me: For fuck’s sake! Fine!
Go to the bathroom without opening eyes and then back to bed.
Feet: Nice! The bed is still warm.
Brain: Remember that time when your sister broke your new Barbie’s legs?
Me: That was like 45 years ago and you’re bringing it up now?! Go back to sleep!
Trying to sleep.
Brain: You know, that Barbie was your favorite toy.
Me: Seriously! I don’t give a shit about a fucking Barbie doll. Go. Back. To. Sleep!
Brain: It’s 8:30; you should be getting up anyway.
Me: No, it’s not!
Left Eye: He’s right. It is 8:32.
Me: Fuck! I’m getting up.
20 minutes later.
Stomach: Why isn’t there any coffee in here?!
Me: I’m working on it, already! Shit! Now I forgot how many scoops I did.
Brain: Don’t ask me. I’m still pissed about your Barbie.
Flops in computer chair and scrolls through FaceBook.
20 minutes later.
Stomach: HEY! Where is the coffee?
Right Ear: I haven’t heard any burbling or grumbling from the coffee maker.
Me: I’m going. I’m going.
First slurp of coffee.
Mouth: Oh my gawd that tastes good!!
Stomach: Finally! This whole thing works better when The Viking gets up first.
3 hours later.
Stomach: I’m finished with the coffee. How about a Sausage McMuffin with Egg and no cheese?
Mouth: I second that motion!! I fucking love those things!
Brain: If you left now, you could be home with a dozen Sausage McMuffins with Egg and no cheese in 15 minutes.
Me: Nope! I will not think about that delicious sandwich – I’m trying to lose a few pounds. We are going to have an apple and a piece of aged cheese.
Mouth: I do like the apple and cheese thing but, to be honest, I like the McMuffin better.
Me: WE ARE NOT GETTING SAUSAGE McMUFFINS WITH EGG AND NO CHEESE!
20 minutes later.
Stomach: Well, now I don’t have enough room for a Sausage McMuffin with Egg and no cheese. That’s very disappointing.
Mouth: I’m disappointed, too.
Brain: Me too!
Me: Whatever.
3 hours later.
Mouth: It’s been a while since you’ve eaten. Any chance of getting that McMuffin?
Me: Nope. You have to wait for supper.
Stomach: Aaaagh! But I’m hungry!
Brain: Did you hear that?! I think a Dodge Diesel just started up in your stomach! You shouldn’t eat trucks, lady!
Me: It’s not a truck – it’s Stomach being crabby.
Brain: I don’t like that sound. It annoys me.
Stomach: I’m starving down here! Do something, Brain!
Brain: I’m trying but she is being obstinate. And my thinks are getting slower.
Stomach: This is an urgent situation. I have to pull energy from these fat cells just laying around here.
Me: That’s the smartest thing you’ve said all day, Stomach. Also….you all are just Hang-gry.
2 hours later.
Me: Brace yourselves – it’s dinner time.
Mouth: Yes!! Finally!
Mouth: Uh! What was that?! That tastes like a vegetable!
Stomach: What?! A VEGETABLE? What kind?
Mouth: I think it’s a carrot.
Stomach: I thought you hated carrots.
Mouth: I DO! She’s become evil. It’s carrots but it has butter, which I like, and sesame seeds, which I like. I don’t know what to do.
Stomach: Spit it out! Hurry!
Brain: No can do! I’ve been brainwashed since childhood to never spit out food. That would earn me a finger thump on my head from Dad.
Stomach: Gawd! You are such an ass!
Ass: Leave me out of this. It’s not my area.
Brain: I can’t help it. Dad had big fingers and those thumps hurt like hell. I’ve been programmed to avoid those situations. It’s a Pavlov’s Dog sort of thing.
Mouth: Somebody make up your mind. I can’t just chew this shit forever.
Stomach: Intestines, big and small, prepare for invasion! We have Carrots!
Mouth: Holy Fuck Fuck! Aaaa! There’s cabbage, too!!
Stomach: Cabbage? What the hell is she doing? Abort! Abort! I will send that shit right back at you, Mouth. Cabbage ferments into methane gas and makes things unpleasant down here.
Mouth: I can’t. I’m already swallowing.
Stomach: Shit! I’m sending this straight to you, Intestines. It’s a nuclear bomb for me.
Ass: Would you please stop with all the ‘Shit’ references? I’m trying to sleep here.
Intestines: You won’t be sleeping for long. Cabbage and carrots are heading your way.
Ass: What’s the ETA?
Intestines: Gas will start arriving within the hour and the carrots and cabbage within 3 hours.
Ass: Really? How exciting! I love gas, especially cabbage gas. It ferments quickly and I can play with it for hours and hours – even after the cabbage and carrots arrive.
Stomach: This isn’t my area. I’ll leave all that to you and the Intestines.
3 hours later – pre-sleep review.
Brain: So, that was a terrible day. The only one happy was Ass. We have only one chance left to get any enjoyment before we sleep.
Mouth: Do you have a plan? Please tell me it’s a Doughnut Plan.
Brain: Nope. It’s a Potato Chip plan because we have those in the cupboard. I can put the thought into her head and if Mouth starts to drool a bit and Stomach grumbles, there is a good chance we can put a stop to the ‘Diet’.
Me: Shut up! Y’all are the reason we’re fat in the first place. It’s time to pay the piper.
Brain: Does that mean there is more cabbage and carrots in the near future?
Me: Yes. And it’s your own fault.
Brain: Why aren’t you blaming Eyes? They are the ones that are always too big for Stomach. We have no control over what you eat. That’s Hands, Eyes and Mouth’s doing.
Me: Wrong. You, Brain, are in total control of cravings. That makes you the Evil One.
Brain: What?!
Eyes, Mouth, Stomach, Intestines and Ass: Bastard!
Me: All of you – quit your whining and go to sleep. If you’re good, I might entertain the idea of French Toast for breakfast.
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Very funny. Great dialogue between the parts of the body lol.
On behalf of all my body parts…..thank you. :o) Oh. Wait. Brain wants more credit than the rest of them, claiming he’s the mastermind of this mess and, therefore, deserving of more kudoes. :o)
You, Sista, are certifiable!
Which is why I love you to bits.
Ya know… our body parts could definitely have quite the competition, conversation-wise!
Haha!! I can just imagine. Which is why I love YOU to bits. :o)
xoxo
“Stomach: Gawd! You are such an ass!
Ass: Leave me out of this. It’s not my area.”
Nope, you’re not getting out of it that easily. For that, you’re going to have to play timpani on the Intestines’ Band rendition of ‘The Country Bear Jamboree’!
LOL! Sounds like fun for everyone but Ass. :o)
No problem for Ass at all. Only a teensy trumpet flare is needed, so it might be harder for Ass to rein it in than let it go. Ah well, these unappreciated sphincters will have their say in the end.
LOL!
Yow! I don’t know how it came up, but I read and laughed and choked and laughed some more before I saw the date. WtF? Ah well…
‘Bladder: I can’t wait anymore! If Nose decides to sneeze, you’ll have to bring in a HazMat Team.’
Shut it, Bladder! It’s Colon (or just Ass) who needs to call in HazMat!
I cheated. I’ve been wrestling with a new post and it’s not going well. So, I cheated and posted a blast from the past. 😏 I’m glad it made you laugh, though. 😘 Also, my body hasn’t become any less unruly in the meantime.
That’s definitely me at night!
I don’t think we’re alone with the tactics employed by Stomach and Brain. :o) Thanks for stopping by, Suzanne.
my kidneys: oh no! she found a position where she can go back to sleep! intestines help us out, we need something that feels a lot like period cramps.
Your brain gets credit for this post but the barbie thing is real. my brain will wake me up with all kinds of weird stuff “remember your boss from 4 years ago. didn’t he have a weird nose? if you don’t get out of bed right now, that image will be burned into your mind.”
Haha! Whoever said ‘your body is a temple’ was dead wrong. It’s more like a gulag where the other inmates are cranky, surly, and easily offended. :o)
Oh LOOOOL you so made my day 🙂 I am really sorry for being so late…. 2018 is just crazy, it seems. I suspect that Brain is preparing a putsch!
Thanks for the good giggles, as usual! 🙂
Big hugs, Gorgeous 🙂 xx
Hugs to you, Catherine. I’m glad I could brighten your day. :o)
Funny post. But I feel for you, you must be knackered during the day 😯
Thanks Pip. :o) The Viking lets me take naps.
I miss you!!! Where are youuuuuuuuuuuu?
*Hugs and kisses*
:o( I’m struggling. Sigh. I’ve been sucked into a black hole of fear and anxiety. However, last night I finally heard a small voice saying “Fight, damn you!”, so maybe there is a light around the corner.
Thank you for missing me. Your voice in the darkness is a life-line. Hugs to you too, Lady.