Happy Weekend! If we were having coffee I would have to explain that I nearly destroyed 2 generations of one family this week. Without even trying. It’s just that easy for me.
It’s time to renew our company insurances, you see, which is stressful, to say the least. Luckily, we have an Insurance Broker Super Hero – Teri-Lynn. This year she pulled off a miracle and managed to get all our insurances under one provider which saves us a huge chunk of change! I only needed to contact our Alarm Company to get an Alarm Certificate and if I could get it quickly Teri-Lynn could submit it with all the other paperwork.
Three phone calls, one to a real person and two to answering machines, in 24 hours accomplished exactly nothing. So, I tried a different point of contact, hoping for better luck. I sent an email to the Alarm Company’s Contact Us page.
Dear Customer Support,
My Account # is **-**** and my name is Lori *****. My phone number is ***-***-****.
I need an Alarm Certificate for Insurance purposes and I’ve made 3 attempts to get this certificate in the past 24 hours with zero success. I’ve spoken with a real person once who assured me she would send one yesterday, and then I’ve left 1 message for Neem(?) and then another message in a generic mailbox.
With that in mind, there are 3 things you should probably know about me.
1. I am 3 years 5 months and 23 days into menopause.
2. My husband is a Viking.
3. My Insurance Broker makes people cry. Including me.
These things may not mean much to you at the present but my lack of success in obtaining an Alarm Certificate is about to set off a chain of events that may impact you.
First, my Insurance Broker is going to lose her shit because she has tomorrow off and how hard can it possibly be to get an Alarm Certificate? Second, The Viking is going to hear my Insurance Broker lose her shit and he’s going to grab his Axe and Shield and start hollering curses and gesturing in my general direction (it’s actually as scary as it sounds). That, in turn, will increase my stress which sets off Hot Flashes from Hell, extremely itchy skin and copious amounts of tears. And then I’ll frantically call you over and over again, leaving louder and louder messages.
I understand that you are probably a busy person and I’m sorry that I have to be so forthright, but an Alarm Certificate shouldn’t be this difficult to get. I know you have my email address because a) the lady from yesterday read it back to me, b) I receive emails from you all the time that I never read and delete quickly and c) this note is being sent to you from my email.
So, I’m appealing to the sweet, efficient person in you to please help me avoid all this drama and send me an Alarm Certificate. Especially since I accidentally broke the arm strap on the back of The Viking’s Shield and haven’t had a chance to fix it yet.
15 minutes later I received this email:
I will have the cert sent to you today.
Please start reading my emails you might just find them entertaining
Sean (from the Contact Us Page of the Alarm Company)
7 minutes later, I received this email:
Please find the attached certificate below.
Thanks Reem (the woman I left messages for at the Alarm Company)
But the thrill of success wore off eventually and I started thinking about poor Sean. In my campaign to get that damned Certificate I completely relegated Sean to a Meaningless Person of No Consequence. If I had thought about it for a brief second I might have considered that the regular emails I get and delete weren’t sent by a computer at all but by an actual human being. Maybe Sean really likes his job, it fulfills him, makes him feel needed and respected and then I come along and totally destroy him!
Or maybe he has a wife and children he’s grooming to take over the business of sending monthly updates and offers to customers? I might have wiped out the dreams and aspirations of two entire generations of one family!
I really suck!
Well, I can’t leave poor Sean and all the Little Seans to wallow in defeat. I will make this right!
Apparently, in my laser-focused quest to acquire my Alarm Certificate, collateral damage occurred. I feel terrible about that. I’ve heard of Collateral Damage happening, usually in times of war, but never thought that I would be the cause of it during peace time.
I’ve given this considerable thought since I received your email and I think I may have found the reason for my thoughtlessness.
You may not know this but as men age their testosterone levels drop and their estrogen levels rise, which explains why old guys pull their pants up so high – they are looking for their feminine waistline. And just as age affects men, it also affects women (which sucks because I am one). As a woman ages, she produces less estrogen and begins producing more testosterone which is why old women buy so many tweezers – it’s for plucking chin hair. I know this for certain because I felt a fucking whisker on my chin while I was in the middle of writing my plea for an Alarm Certificate. And once a woman feels a whisker on her face her entire focus shifts to the immediate removal of the offending whisker.
Being 3 years, 5 months and 24 days into menopause, my testosterone levels must be higher than I realized. I did one of those tests on Facebook to see if your thinking is more feminine or more masculine and I scored 90% Man and only 10% Woman. I asked The Viking if I’ve been more man-ly lately but without the expletives I’m not sure what his grunted reply indicated.
So, in absence of better scientific data I’ve decided to err on the side of caution and apologize for my thoughtless words.
Please accept my profound apologies. In future, when I receive an email from Alarm Company, I will read it thoroughly. I’m sure I will enjoy them immensely. I would also like to send you some Maple Brown Sugar Cookies as further proof of my regret. I would offer Chocolate Chip cookies but, to be honest, Maple Brown Sugar Cookies are my favorite and I would just make a double batch, send you half, and then drown my sorrow in the other half.
I think that should do it. I accepted full responsibility, right? UPS delivers cookies don’t they?
So, how was your week? Did you almost destroy anyone by accident?
Thanks to Nerd in the Brain for Hosting The Weekend Coffee Share.