Month: July 2020

UPDATE: Izzie’s Fight Club

We are still in the middle of a titanic struggle for passage rights between Izzie and her Arch-Nemesis.  Baloshi has the law on his side with owner rights, while Izzie is claiming historic migratory rights.

It’s not going well.

via GIPHY

The Viking, Teddy and I have taken turns trying to convince her to just go around Baloshi’s yard, but she’s a stubborn little fuck.  The Viking has always held the title as The Most Stubborn Fuck in the Household, however Izzie has made it into a real competition.  I’ve never seen The Viking with open war wounds though, so I’m going to award the title to the new champion.

Her face is a mass of scars, scabs and open, seeping wounds.  She’s more grumpy, sarcastic and shouty than she usually is too, and that’s saying a lot given her normal temperament is somewhere between Angry, Vengeful Harpy and Bite-y, Slappy Gorgon.  I’m beginning to get a complex.

via GIPHY

We really have only one solution…….two solutions…..if we listen to Izzie who wants us to descend on the Ladies and Baloshi and burn the place to the ground.  With a flame-thrower*.  So, the only viable solution would be to lock her in the house.  We took a vote:

The Viking:  Nay.  Do you want us to be lacerated to ribbons in the dead of night?

Teddy:  Only if you chain her to a corner with a short leash.  My fur is finally starting to grow back after her last temper tantrum.

Me:  I would be in favour of the leash but it won’t stop her shouting threats and curses and I’m the one who is in the house most of the time.  Also, I think she knows how to VooDoo.  So, Nay to the leash.

The Viking:  We could wear protective clothing.

Teddy:  Nay.  I’m not wearing clothes.

Me:  It’s 32°C today.  Nay to protective clothing.

The Viking:  Maybe we could reason with her?

Teddy:  HA!

Me:  I’m with Teddy on that one.

It was unanimous – we can’t keep her in the house and still remain blood-free.

All we can do is to tend to her war wounds and continue to encourage a detour around Baloshi’s yard.  She won’t listen, but at least we tried.

 

*I’m not allowed to have a Flame-Thrower due to safety issues but Izzie pointed out that The Viking could do it.

I Couldn’t Have Planned This Better If I Had Actually Tried

It’s our 3rd Wedding Anniversary today.  Aaaannnnd….National Orgasm Day.

I didn’t plan to have our Wedding on National Orgasm Day, but if I had decided to get married on any National Whatever Day, it would have been National Orgasm Day.  Sometimes, things just work out despite not planning them.

Oddly, I didn’t realize until today that I shared a special day with Orgasms which makes me wonder why I didn’t know this until today.  Two whole anniversaries have been wasted and I’m a little disappointed.

Broken Moms and Dads

So, I’ve been wrestling with this post for days already and it’s driving me nuts.  I would just drop the whole thing and find something else to write about but there is an article that I want to share.  It came in my email and punched me in the face.  Hard.  And I’m pretty sure there are a lot of Moms and Dads that need to be punched in the face, too.

I don’t want to write a novel on why the article has impacted me, so pay attention because it’s going to be fast and dirty.

I married a child when I was 19 and then gave birth to two more children.  The marriage was shitty, the children weren’t, and as time went on the marriage became shittier and shittier until I almost killed my shitty self.  The only reason I didn’t was because I couldn’t leave my children alone in a shitty situation.  And then every time a shitty thing happened I ‘over-reacted’, ‘needed to take more pills’ or ‘needed to see a therapist again’.  I didn’t understand that the shitty-ness that led to my self-killing would become the shitty weapon that would be used against me forevermore.  I also didn’t know that all that shitty-ness could be passed on to the children like a virus until they became shitty, too.  I was staying in the shitshow for the children because how would I ever be able to support them without the shitshow, but what I actually did was enroll them in Shitty Bootcamp with one-on-one shitty tutoring.  And as the children grew into adults with superior shitty-ness skills, shitty drama happened more and more frequently with higher and higher shitty-ness levels until finally, during Christmas 2018, the shitty threshold was epic-ally breached and shitty-ness exploded and killed me.  The shitty event took only 15 shitty minutes and even I – by now an expert on shitty-ness – was awed by the level of shitty-ness one person can contain and willingly fling.

And that’s the shitty short version of the whole shitshow.  And, as you might imagine, I don’t do shitshows anymore because it killed me and made me want to literally self-kill again.

Thankfully, there’s a Viking for that…..

…..and he gave me several very good reasons why I shouldn’t self-kill and should stay with him forevermore because he’s not shitty.

And this brings me to the Elephant Journal.  I found it when I was still up to my neck in shitty-ness, trying to understand how my life turned into a complete shittery despite my best efforts.  If you have shitty-ness in your life, check out Elephant Journal where they will give you shit-free articles to make you feel better.

It was one of those shit-free articles that punched me in the face: To the Broken Mom who finds Strength for her Kids by Tiffany Timm.

Go ahead and read it.  I’ll wait.  It’s very short but full of love……

Ms. Timm understands shitty-ness, no?  And I’m here to share my shitty shitshow so you know that you aren’t alone in your shitshow.  I can’t trust my judgement anymore because, well, it was shitty, and never ask me advice about parenting because it’s total shit, too.  However, I am willing to dive into the shitty deep-end with you and wallow in shitty self-pity.  And then I’ll help you out of the shit and tell you that you’re awesome despite all the shit people say.  All the best people have survived shit and escaped all sorts of shitteries.  Including you.  And me.

So.  I see you, too.

Izzie’s Fight Club

It’s official.  Izzie has started a Fight Club in the neighbourhood.

If you are a follower of my blog, you are familiar with Izzie.  The worst cat on the planet.  Cranky, sarcastic, stabby, name-calling, cursing, shouting Izzie.  I’ve never had to work so hard to teach a cat not to murder me.  Or The Viking, but The Viking is a Viking and doesn’t really need me to fight his battles.

A couple weeks ago, I met a new couple who moved into the house at the end of our block, and immediately had to apologize because Izzie held them hostage, forcing them to escape through their front door.  Everyone on the block has offered the newbies advice on how to deal with Izzie which, at the end of the day, boils down to “Don’t Touch Izzie” and “Call Lori or The Viking”.

And then about 10 days ago, I noticed Izzie’s face was swollen up and a small bald spot on her nose.  I assumed she was stung by a bee – tis the season after all.  The following day, she wandered by and her nose was huge!  It looked like it was broken, and that one bald spot had multiplied to four or five.

“Izzie!  What the fuck?  Are you fighting?!”

She didn’t answer.  Apparently, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club.  The Viking and I tried to get a better look but that went about as well as you can imagine.  So, all we could do was keep an eye on her.

3 days ago, she came home in terrible shape.  Her poor nose!  She was exhausted and slept all day.  It was awful.  And like every good parent, we turned on Teddy.

“Who is she fighting with, Teddy?!  Don’t you know that you should be helping her?  Brothers don’t let their sisters get beaten up!”  Apparently, Teddy is aware of the rules of Fight Club too because he had nothing to say.  Izzie is quite a small cat – maybe 5 or 6 pounds – while Teddy is a big guy, probably 8 or 9 pounds.  He doesn’t have a scratch on him because he’s a lover, not a fighter.  And any wounds he has ever had came from Izzie.

2 days ago she came home even worse.  Night before last she must have taken a day off from Fight Club, but this morning she’s Rock Balboa.

“Who the hell are you fighting with, Izzie?!”  Geezus!  “Look at your poor face!  Fucksakes!”  It’s kind of heartbreaking to see her pretty little face mauled.  Also, her ‘love eyes’ usually look kind of terrifying but now…..well….it’s inspires one to pee themselves.  Not me or The Viking because we know her, but you definitely would consider peeing yourself.

We contemplated and quickly rejected that these might be bee stings but the only way these are bee stings is if she is willing to take it in the face over and over and over again because they taste so delicious.  I’m not buying it though – and bees sleep at night.

We can’t imagine a cat that has lived in the neighbourhood for the past 4+ years and has already come to an agreement with Izzie would suddenly become this combative.  There must to be a new element.  Enter the new cat at the end of the block – Baloshi.

After giving the situation some thought, I think I’ve figured it out.  Teddy is a home boy and he is the guardian of the yard.  Slinky, the crazy cat next door, frequently tests Teddy’s resolve by trespassing, but it’s mostly posturing and name-calling before Slinky retreats.

Izzie, on the other hand, is a free spirit and a wanderer.  The world is her oyster!  She visits everyone on the block, sometimes even beyond the block if something interesting catches her attention.  She watches a guy down the street work in his garden all afternoon.  He loves her.  She used to poop in Mark’s flower bed but once he put Cayenne Pepper in it she just sits and gives him The Stink Eye.  He loves her, too!  Even the traffic on the busy road at the end of the block stops for her.  Everyone loves the miserable little thing, including The Viking and I.  And she has managed to install herself as Queen of the World by bluster and bullying alone and no one has seriously called her bluff.  Ever.  Until now.  Baloshi.

The conflict is, most probably, about the Right of Passage.  Izzie doesn’t want to inhabit Baloshi’s yard, she just wants to wander through and maybe take a hostage or two when she’s bored, just as she’s always done.  But just try convincing her that there’s a new cat in that previously unoccupied yard who isn’t prepared to allow her access whenever the hell she feels like it.

She isn’t taking the news very well.  Queen’s don’t make exceptions for peasants.  We can’t stop her unless we lock her in the house and that’s just a recipe for disaster.  So, we inspect her face every morning in case she’s in need of emergency care and tell her in our most loving of voices…….

“Izzie, please stop using your face to hit Baloshi in the mouth.  You look like shit.  We love you but we will start calling you Rocky.  Now, go to bed.”