The Viking’s favorite slow, indoor sport is Darts. I’m pretty sure it’s because he can legally throw sharp, pointed objects, but also because he looks like the above picture immediately after the dart leaves his hand. His form is magnificent!
After years of just playing against each other, we decided we needed some competition. Unfortunately, we don’t know any other Dart enthusiasts. So, we created our own competition – The Joneses* – and it became a little more competitive than we thought it would.
Commentator Bob: Welcome to the Battle of 39th Avenue, the Semi-Finals of the World Dart Championship 2021, and what a battle it has turned out to be! It’s a good, old-fashioned Grudge Match, the kind rarely seen in the Dart Universe.
Commentator Hank: That’s right, Bob. This competition has developed into a fierce dogfight, both teams equally determined to lay it all on the line. The Joneses are a pair of gritty, highly competitive, highly strung individuals determined to take no prisoners. They have complete confidence in their abilities and are ready to show off their stuff!
Bob: The Vikings are not even slightly intimidated – giving up isn’t in their DNA. They’ve been together for years, honing their skills and bonding into the perfect, competitive team.
Bob: Here’s the coin toss…..and it’s the Vikings who throw first. Mr. Viking steps up and takes careful aim. He looks good. Laser focused.
Hank: He wants the most points possible on this first turn, showing the Joneses that he isn’t messing around.
Bob: Ohhhhh! That’s a miss! His first dart drifts to the right, earning him only one point! You can feel the disappointment!
Hank: You can hear the curses, all the way up to our broadcasting booth, Bob. And….Holy Moly! The Joneses are catcalling! What are they chanting now? Good Lord, they are calling him a loser!
Bob: Mrs. Viking isn’t taking that shit sitting down! She gives them an aggressive middle finger salute. Mr. Viking has nerves of steel though, and he’s totally ignoring the sideline activity. His second dart is much better, hitting the 20, but the third dart drifts left for only five points.
Hank: He’s scored the dreaded 26 points, Bob. It’s every Dart Players’ worst nightmare.
Bob: Look at that! In a show of terrible sportsmanship, the Joneses are celebrating! There have been whispered rumours about alcohol use in the Jones camp which probably accounts for the poor gamesmanship. They may come to regret their victory dances though, because the Vikings are barely domesticated and quick to take offense.
Hank: Mrs. Viking clapped the Mr. on the back and told him it’s fine. It’s early days. She steps to the line and takes aim.
Bob: I have to say, Mrs. Viking has a hot mess of a form. I don’t even know what to call it. Is she waving at a neighbour or playing darts?
Hank: It’s the talk of the Dart Universe. To call her stance ‘Unconventional’ is an understatement.
Bob: Her first dart is…..BANG ON! That’s a TRIPLE 20! It’s 60 points with the first dart!
Hank: Say what you will, Bob, she gets it done despite that tragic stance. Second dart is a solid 18 and the third dart IS A DOUBLE 12!!
Bob: WHAT A SHOT!! That’s a total of 114 points! A career best! For a lady that’s only a Rookie, it’s a miracle! Oh, look! She’s giving the Joneses a shit-eating grin and a handful of fucks!
Hank: Mr. Viking is on his feet! Throwing punches in the air! He’s trying to lift Mrs. Viking for a celebratory twirl, but……he’s bogged down, Bob. He can’t get her off the ground! Awww…now that’s turned into the most awkward moment in Dart Competition history.
Bob: Go to commercial, for the love of Gawd!
Commercial Break
Bob: Welcome back. Despite a commanding lead, The Vikings lost game One. Trouble hitting a double one side-railed them and the Joneses took the win. They are resilient, though. Mr. Jones has scored a solid 32 points.
Hank: Mrs. Jones steps up. Ho, boy! She’s only managed a total of 9 points!
Bob: She’s pissed at herself, and who can blame her? Perhaps she should ration her “refreshments”.
Hank: Mr. Viking just handed both the Joneses fresh beverage refills. It looks like The Vikings have a strategy
Commercial Break
Hank: Welcome back. We are in the middle of the second game of the best-out-of-three match.
Bob: Mr. Viking is on the Throw Line. His game has improved dramatically since that disaster of a first throw. The tension is really building.
Hank: You could hear a pin drop, Bob. The Joneses are ahead by 52 points. This is no time to make a mistake. A single bad dart at this point could lose them the match.
Bob: Oh, yes! That’s a well-played turn. 60 points is nothing to be ashamed of.
Hank: Mrs. Viking only needs a triple 20, a 13 and a double 8 to win the game. That triple 20 could be tricky – she’s not the most consistent of players. It’s her form, in all honesty.
Bob: That’s right Hank. You need a solid form to be consistent, but a triple 20 isn’t beyond her. Her first shot today was a triple 20. It only remains to be seen if she can duplicate that shot.
Hank: She’s CHOKED!! What a disappointment, Bob.
Bob: With only a total of 7 points, that gives the Joneses a huge opportunity to steal this game. The Joneses are Turkey Dancing for heaven’s sake, and making Joker Grins. These two couples really don’t like each other and it shows.
Commercial Break
Hank: Welcome back to this intense third match. The Vikings clinched a win on the last game, so both teams are super focused on winning this Semi-Final.
Bob: Both teams have been jawing back and forth, hoping to intimidate. It’s been effective in the past.
Hank: Mrs. Jones is giving the Mr. a final boost of confidence and encouragement. The Vikings look tense. The Joneses are a dangerous team to underestimate.
Bob: That’s exactly right, Hank, but the Vikings are warriors and can come from behind for stellar wins. Losing isn’t in their blood.
Bob: Jones looks good. Focused. Here’s the throw…..
Hank: Holy Shit, Bob! He’s missed the entire board! That dart is needle deep in the door of the Ladies Room! The Vikings are on their feet, performing their signature Slappy Ass Dance! What a great stroke of luck for them and a hideous humiliation for the Joneses.
Bob: Mrs. Jones is livid! She’s belly-to-belly with the Mr.
Mrs. Jones: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Bob: She’s thrown her darts at the floor and one is lodged in the left foot of Mr. Jones.
Hank: That can’t be good for Mr. Jones.
Mrs. Jones: Are you trying to lose?! Have you made a deal with the Vikings to throw the game?! Are you a gawd-damned traitor?
Bob: Commercial break! Commercial break!
Commercial Break
Hank: Welcome back, folks. We are in the middle of game three of the Semi-Final match of the Darts World Championship and Mr. and Mrs. Jones have devolved into an alcohol-induced meltdown.
Bob: You’ve got that right, Hank. It’s not hard to see that Mr. Jones is completely and obviously drunk. He’s trying to defend himself, but words are almost beyond him at this point.
Hank: Mr. and Mrs. Jones have called for their only allowable time-out. If they want to win the match, they need to shake this off and refocus all their attention on the game.
Bob: Mrs. Jones is calling for coffee, and someone had better make that happen quickly. She’s well-known for her short temper and fierce competitiveness.
Hank: Remember the Championship of 2018, Bob? She tore her right gluteus maximus kicking the Mr. when he missed a shot. It took months to get back into game form.
Commercial Break
Bob: And we’re back! This has turned into the biggest battle in the sporting world since 1821.
Hank: This match has taken the Dart World by storm. I can’t look away from this train wreck.
Bob: Here come The Joneses. They look calm and ready to play.
Hank: I would have paid good money to be a fly on the wall in their dressing room.
Bob: Mrs. Jones is ready to throw. Oh, boy! Do you see the shaky hand? I’m not sure she can continue. I think we can both agree that the Vikings’s Slappy Ass Dance has annihilated her confidence.
Hank: This is just tragic. That dart didn’t even make it to the board.
Bob: Mr. Jones is swearing. He’s taken her darts away! I don’t know what happened in that dressing room, but neither Jones is capable. And……that’s the game, Hank! The Mrs. has thrown in the towel.
Hank: The Vikings are on their way to the Finals where they will take on the Brown Team.
Bob: It’s not over yet! The Vikings are singing. Can you make out what the song is, Hank?
Hank: Awww…..geez. As if the Joneses haven’t suffered enough.
*To be clear…..we are the Joneses. And the Vikings.
Sharing is caring!