It’s nearly Christmas, and I’ve noticed that there are literally thousands of articles listing Tips to make it through the Holiday Season with your sanity intact. So I thought I would add my list to the Ad Nauseam because who doesn’t like Tips?
Tip 1. Don’t knock over your tree. And if you DO knock over your tree, blame it on the cat(s). And if you don’t have a cat, blame it on good-looking, single neighbour (your partner will be distracted by you spending alone time with a good-looking neighbour and totally forget you knocked over the tree).
Tip 2. Don’t get too drunk. Nobody likes a sloppy drunk who pukes in the Eggnog Bowl and calls your Mother Chewbacca the Wookie.
Tip 3. Never arrive at an Event empty-handed. Storming out after someone insults your kid is more dramatic if you take the gift too. Shout how expensive it is as you make your epic departure.
Tip 4. Shovel the snow from your sidewalk. Nothing makes Grandma crankier than wading through ankle-deep snow to get to the house and you definitely don’t want her calling you a Wanker all day long. That’s the kind of name that sticks forever.
Tip 5. Make your own Cranberry Sauce. Nothing says Love like manual labour and nothing pisses off Aunt Cheryl as quickly as pretentious up-staging.
Tip 6. Manage your outfit carefully. Not too flashy or attractive because there are bound to be family members who will remember nothing of the day except the fact that you wore sequins.
Tip 7. Bring slippers. Some floors are fucking cold and by the time you can make your escape your feet may have developed frostbite.
Tip 8. DON’T BRING LIME JELL-O SALAD!! It’s gross! Jell-o was never meant to hold vegetables, it’s a crime against humanity.
Tip 9. Pre-drink. Have a couple stiff cocktails before you arrive or everyone arrives at your house. It never hurts to be half-tanked.
And finally……
Tip 10. Help with the dishes. Nobody is cheerful after stuffing themselves with 8 kg (17.5 lbs) of artery-clogging Christmas food and a bucket of booze. All the safe conversations are over and now it’s time to bring up past humiliations, like the time you didn’t shovel the snow off your sidewalk for Grandma, and/or predictions of future fuck-ups. Just help with the dishes and go home.
If you have other great Tips that help you survive, please let me know. I’m working on a comprehensive pamphlet.
And now…..
