Tag: woman

You Were a Bastard in my Dream

Me: “If you want a different woman, fine!  But you can’t move her in with me and expect me to cook for her!!”

The Viking: “What?  I don’t want a different woman.”

Me: “You say that now, but when you find her at a pizza joint down the street you will be singing a different tune!”

The Viking: “Why would I go looking for a woman in the pizza place?”

Me: “That’s what I would like to know.”

The Viking: “There isn’t even a pizza place down the street.  The closest one is up on the hill.”

Me: “Hmmmm.  Why would I dream there is a pizza place down the street?”

The Viking: “I don’t know.  It’s your dream.”

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Squid Ink Pasta

What in the HELL is Squid Ink Pasta and why would anyone ever eat that?!  I ask because Jamie Oliver was cooking it and a group of people were sitting around making yummy noises!  I shit you not!!

Out of curiosity I checked at Safeway because maybe it’s so amazingly good that I would be a fool not to try it.  Guess what?  They didn’t have anything close to Squid Ink Pasta.  So am I supposed to make it from scratch?  If that’s the case then I have many questions.

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21 Day Exercise Challenge

Mim (my second offspring – not her real name because I’m trying to protect her privacy) suggested I join a 21 Day Challenge with her and if I understood – or more aptly paid attention – I wouldn’t have agreed.

It popped up on FB that I have an event this week. What ‘event’?  I don’t remember booking an event on FB.  Who would do something like that?

“Mom. We talked about this 2 days ago.”  Mim said.

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This Happens All the Time

Even at the best of times, I am a car crash. A ballerina I’m not!

I once slipped and fell in the middle of my sister’s wedding reception. In front of everyone.  And my fugly brown dress flipped up to show off my underpants.

I fell off the raised stage during a band concert. In front of everyone.  And my clarinet broke so I had to Mime the rest of the concert.

A pair of panties fell out of the leg of my pants in the middle of a crowd of dudes.

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Super Powers

I’m shocking. Not on purpose but shocking nonetheless.  And not shocking in a weird way like I iron my underwear or eat Kale.  I just shock things, particularly in the winter and mostly The Viking.  In the house I wear fur-lined Crocs (the best invention ever!) that keeps my feet from hurting and getting really cold but that’s when I become shocking.  I hand The Viking something and sah-nap!

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Did you just rev up my toothbrush?

My second attempt at finding an Adorable Life-Mate was a huge success. I have to give all the credit to him though, because I certainly tried his patience.  It’s not easy trying to find a new mate when your boobs are drooping, the threat of a double chin has become a reality and you need Sherpas to carry all the baggage you lugged out of your marriage.  He persisted though and I finally accepted that there wasn’t a porn addict or a rapist in the closet and he wasn’t after what little money I had (I evidentally watched too many Investigation Discovery programs like Homicide Hunter or Who the #$%* did I Marry?).

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My First Stalking Victim

There is a woman who lives in my neighbourhood and I really want to stalk her but not in a bad way. I live in the city so I see a lot of people every day and I almost never want to stalk them.  I noticed her last summer so I think she probably just moved into the neighbourhood.  She had a pretty blue dress on that ended right at her knees.  She has medium-length black hair, a very large butt, a prominent nose and isn’t particularly beautiful but I was captivated!

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A deep breath and a flourish…..

Since I’m new at this and this is my first blog post you might be here by mistake. Google has led you here instead of taking you to where you really wanted to go because Google is a jerk sometimes.  Or, you might be here just checking it out in which case I am nothing if not helpful so here is a short list of things you won’t find here:

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