I’m shocking. Not on purpose but shocking nonetheless. And not shocking in a weird way like I iron my underwear or eat Kale. I just shock things, particularly in the winter and mostly The Viking. In the house I wear fur-lined Crocs (the best invention ever!) that keeps my feet from hurting and getting really cold but that’s when I become shocking. I hand The Viking something and sah-nap!
“Fuck!” from The Viking. “You have those stupid shoes on again for Fuck’s sake!” He really hates getting shocked – almost as much as sour cream or spinach or getting stuck behind someone going slow in the fast lane.
I say “Sorry” but it doesn’t really mean much because I’m probably going to shock him again – I can’t give up the crocs! Basically my crocs are like Spider Man’s tights, or Thor’s Hammer or the Batmobile. They are what makes me a Superhero! Unfortunately, super powers can be problematic in day to day life as I found out the other day.
Our TV sits solidly and dependably on top of our fireplace and it seems to like it there. As I was walking past it, I grabbed the remote control and accidentally touched the base of the TV. Sah-nap! Suddenly the TV sort of froze and then went blank and then the cable box popped a message onto the screen that said “This action cannot be completed because your TV has lost its signal”.
For a brief moment I was impressed with myself. Then I thought Holy Cow! Did I just kill our cable box? One time, the big cable box outside my condo unit took a direct lightning strike and the energy followed the cable cord directly into the building and into the first electronic device connected to the cord which just happened to be my computer. It melted the whole motherboard. So I understand what electricity can do to electronics but surely a mere shock couldn’t kill anything. Right?
The Viking said “You have those fucking shoes on again, don’t you?” I thought about lying but it seemed pointless since he could clearly see the fur-lined Crocs on my feet. So I kicked them off and went to stand beside him while he looked at the cable box. It occurred to me then that I only had The Viking’s opinion that my crocs were to blame. After all, I’ve never conducted any research into the effects of electricity on Crocs. What if I touch him right now and it shocks him? That would be proof positive that my crocs are not to blame. So I pointed my finger and touched The Viking’s back. He slowly, slowly turned around to look at me.
“Did you just check to see if you could give me a shock when you aren’t wearing your shoes?” I smiled guiltily. “Maybe.” He shook his head and started to laugh. “You just had to try it, didn’t you?”
Well, of course I had to try it! What if I lived the rest of my life believing that my Crocs were evil when they weren’t to blame at all? That would be stupid, wouldn’t it?
For the next 15 minutes we tried rebooting the cable box, turning the TV off and then back on before we finally just sat down to contemplate my Super Power.
If my shocks are this powerful I should maybe consider how to use them to our benefit. Right off the top of my head there are about 7 people that I need to point my finger at as soon as possible, especially that person who won’t pick up his dog’s poop from our lawn.
After that maybe I could rent out my Super Power to people who really need the assistance of powerful electrical shocks that leave no traces behind. How much would I rent my finger out for?
I imagine my finger could be fairly busy if we marketed it properly. And I’m not greedy, I wouldn’t need more than a couple hundred thousand a year to live on and extra to put into savings for when my finger insists on retiring. So let’s say I would need about $5 million in the bank and I could live off the interest for the rest of my life….which would, naturally, include The Viking. So if my finger could work 365 times in a year for 5 years I would need to charge $2750 per rental which isn’t that much if you factor in the satisfaction of the client. It’s really quite reasonable if you think about it.
I could also just go to The Dragon’s Den! After I shocked Kevin O’Leary (he’s also one of my top 7 people to zap) I’m pretty sure the other Dragons would pay me a fortune out of sheer gratitude!
I would immediately retire The Viking and fix up this poor little house and then I wo……
……..Dammit!!