Sunday morning, Furnace decided it was done keeping us warm. No explanation for abandoning us in the middle of winter. No notice. Perhaps it was overwhelmed with the recent cold snap when it had to step up its game, or maybe it was totally out of patience with our lack of appreciation for all the hard work it does. It wouldn’t even answer The Viking’s “What the fuck is your problem?”
After some cursing and swearing, it turned out that the Ignitor developed what can only be described as a Hernia. On a Sunday. When all Heating/Cooling Professionals and Parts Suppliers are taking a day off for obviously selfish reasons.
The Viking had turned the heat up to 20°C when he got up in the morning, but he was still freezing at noon. “It’s fucking freezing in here!!”
That’s when I noticed that his headlights were on! So I checked my headlights and yup! they were on too. The high beams! That’s a collection of four headlights where 3 of the 4 agreed that it was freezing in the house. That 4th one* has always been a petty bastard and thought ‘freezing’ was a little dramatic and insisted it was only ‘frigid’.
I hollered at The Viking, “Geezus! It’s only 16.5°C in here! It’s no wonder our collection of headlights are on.”
The Viking sprang into action…..okay, it was more trudging than springing but still, he went to have a conversation with Furnace who, it turned out, had no intention of cooperating. There was poking and prodding and muttered incantations and twice a, “Izzie! Get the fuck off my neck!”
Having exhausted all avenues to repair Furnace’s hernia, The Viking began constructing a detailed Survival Plan for the night because the only way to get him to call an actual Repair Person is to hook up booster cables to his left headlight and the car to the right headlight (or is it the other way around? I can never remember) and zap him into reasonableness.
I took a moment to have a discussion with Furnace, explaining that I was very disappointed in its commitment, performance and lack of determination. It didn’t change anything, but I felt better for firmly voicing my feelings. We turned on the electric fireplace in the living room and The Viking fetched a space heater from the shed.
In the meantime, I turned my heated mattress cover to the ‘Fry’ setting and made a sad face at The Viking because he doesn’t have one. The reason he doesn’t have one is that he can feel the wires, through the padding and sheet, and it irritates his delicate ass skin. This, from the guy who routinely tapes gaping wounds closed with Duct Tape. Who knew the original version of The Princess and the Pea was actually a Viking and a wire?
Rather than brave the bedroom that might get a bit cold overnight, he took his pillow and duvet and built a nest on the sofa, close to the fireplace.
I slept great. The Viking? Not so much. Amazingly, the fireplace and space heater kept the house at about 17°C all night long.
I set off first thing in the morning to pick up an Ignitor and The Viking had Furnace up and running again before noon. Of course, you don’t let the entire household down in the middle of winter and think there won’t be some name-calling, Furnace. And you got off easy if you ask me.
And, thankfully, our collection of Headlights have calmed down. It gets awkward with customers when my High Beams could poke out an eye.
*Unsurprisingly, it is my left headlight.
‘The Viking sprang into action…..okay, it was more trudging than springing’
One can expect only so much from a people, or member thereof, that hasn’t been active for 1,000 years!
‘and twice a, “Izzie! Get the fuck off my neck!”’
But Izzie was trying to help keep the Viking warm. (See my prior assertion above!)
So glad to know that the Ice Age was diverted!
Some days, The Viking feels every one of those 1000 years. 😉 As for Izzie….she has to be in the middle of everything. On two occasions this past month The Viking has had to remove her from a Customer’s vehicle so they could leave. She could have had a long and satisfying job as a Drug Enforcement Cat. 😄😘
‘Izzie….she has to be in the middle of everything.’
True feline behaviour, that!
‘On two occasions this past month The Viking has had to remove her from a Customer’s vehicle so they could leave.’
Has Izzie ever gone missing, all to turn up at a customer’s home? ‘Huh. Where am I? Are there cat treats here? Well, I can only ask!’
‘She could have had a long and satisfying job as a Drug Enforcement Cat.’
Hee! And canines are said to be the best performers in that arena…
Izzie is the most vocal cat I’ve ever met. She screams about everything. WAH! I can see the bottom of my bowl! WAH! I want more water! WAH! Teddy’s in the spot I want to lay on! WAH! Why is The Viking still in bed on a Sunday!! And she’s loud. Ear piercing. Militaries around the world could record her voice and use it in ‘Shock and Awe’ devices they throw into buildings before breaching defenses.
And that’s the reason we never worry about her leaving with a customer. The moment they put their vehicle in motion, she loses her damned mind. Windows shatter within a city block perimeter. People come out of their homes and look skywards for incoming attacks. Small children cry. SWAT teams are deployed. Emergency services are activated. The only real concern we have is whether the customer puts the vehicle in ‘Park’ before ejecting themselves to evade incoming claws and teeth. Both The Viking and I rush to the scene, help the customer up, dust them off, apologize profusely, and tuck a hundred dollar bill in their pocket in compensation.
Izzie jumps out of the vehicle and slaps the customer as she strolls past.
‘Militaries around the world could record her voice and use it in ‘Shock and Awe’ devices ‘
…and then re-name the devices as ‘Shock and Miaou’ devices!
‘Izzie jumps out of the vehicle and slaps the customer as she strolls past.’
Ha! Izzie’s version of a slap involves claws though, so instead of tucking the hundred dollar bill in his pocket, you could as well use the blood to stick the note to his face!
😂 Perhaps I should look into Trade Marking her and working on a prototype.
The Viking has a Super Duper, Industrial-sized First Aid Kit in the garage. Initially, he bought it thinking that I would accidentally slice open an artery when I was cutting up an onion. He revised his theory when he discovered Izzie was a Demonic Edward Scissorhands though. The Kit has an over-abundance of band-aids and disinfectant wipes, so we’re prepared for triage. 😉
You, my friend, are certifiable. Then again, it ain’t no fun when the house is hanging out at 16.5C!
Menopause helps. Nothing feels as good as a hot flash when it’s freezing. 😏 OR….a toasty bed!
Glad it was fixed quickly! Our boiler died in March a few years ago (we could actually hear the water bubbling out into the crawlspace as the tank had completely rusted through) and we limped along with the gas fireplace and electric blankets until it warmed up.
Oh yuck! That’s horrible! 😲 I hope it warmed up quickly. Was the boiler in the crawl space? It must have been a nightmare down there. Our house has a crawl space, too, and it’s a disgusting place to visit when the need arises.
Makes me so happy that we have a couple of fireplaces! That Izzie–I loved your description in the comment above–I could just see her going apeshit and literally destroying the vehicle of anyone foolish enough to try and abscond with her!
Izzie is a tiny little thing, maybe 6 pounds, and all of it is evil. She’s truly terrible, quite possibly the worst cat in the history of the world, but there is something about her that is totally lovable. Maybe it’s the fact that she has no F#$%s to give. None at all. Whatever it is, she has more personality (not the nicest personality) than any cat we’ve met.
Oooh, maybe Izzie is 6.66 pounds! No? Okay, evil isn’t necessarily devil-related. 🙂
😂 That’s totally believable, but it would take braver people than The Viking and me to shave her hair off to confirm.
And this is why I like slightly padded bras…no headlights, lol.
True. I have those and no one has ever said they could see my headlights. The Viking, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to care if his headlights are on 🤷♀️ Maybe it’s a Danishy thing. 😏