Teddy made friends with a Magpie last summer. Yup, a Magpie. I have no idea how it happened, but suddenly Teddy was wandering around the neighbourhood, shadowed by the Magpie, having complete conversations with it. They were answering each other! I had hoped the Magpie would have forgotten the fledgling friendship over the winter, but no such luck. It’s back, it’s loud, it’s vocal and it won’t shut the fuck up. And, along with the noise, we are now Magpie Shit Recipients.
Have you ever tried to get rid of a Magpie? Well, trust me, it’s impossible, which means that we’ve been forced to accept Alice Pooper as a family member. As if we don’t have enough attitude in this house already.
For the past couple of weeks, we noticed that Alice was going above and beyond her normal squawking, to the point that I had to yell at her several times to…
“Shut the fuck up, Alice!!”
It didn’t work because Alice is not only loud, she’s an asshole, too.
We discovered the reason for the increase in vocals completely by accident. The Viking and I were trying to have a business-related conversation by the garage when Izzie wandered past, followed closely by Alice Pooper shouting insults. Lightbulb moment!
“Is Alice Pooper pissed at you, Izzie?!” She gave me a flat, pissy look and went directly into the house.
In the past, Izzie has picked fights with ravens. We know that because our front lawn became a scene out of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’, and I had to rescue her from under the spruce tree in the front yard.
We had a long conversation about the perils of picking fights with large birds. Apparently, I was too specific about the ‘large birds’ I was referring too, because Magpies are technically smaller than ravens. I have a child who was exactly like this, living on the fringes of technicalities, and I can’t believe I have to deal with the same thing with a fucking cat!
So, Izzie is slinking around, hiding under vehicles, the patio table, the back steps, and the fifth wheel trailer. Alice Pooper sits on the power pole composing eloquent and savage insults, waiting for a chance to use them on Izzie. The Viking and I only whisper when we talk to her because who knows how good Alice Pooper’s hearing is?
And now, I’m wondering if I have to start apologizing to the neighbours about Alice’s shenanigans, since it’s Teddy’s fault that she’s part of the family to begin with? Also, I had a stern conversation with him about befriending large birds, and played a clip of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’, for reference.