Tag: funny

Izzie – The Flatulence Has Subsided

It has been almost 3 weeks since I was abducted from my family.  What began as a damned nightmare is becoming okay.  I have toys littered from one end of the prison to the other, they feed me regularly and they have treats which I really enjoy.  Someone should tell them I would prefer they feed me the treats all the time and forget about that other shit they put in my bowl.  There should be some payoffs for being catnapped!

I have grown a lot; I’m nearly twice as big as I was when first arrived here. I can now jump onto the big brown sitty thing and onto the bed that The Viking and the Missus sleep in.

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Underestimations

I underestimate all the time. Here’s a list:

  • The length of time it will take to finish a game of Spider Solitaire which means that I’m always running out the door a little bit late. This, in turn, means that I drive like an asshole because I don’t want to be late for whatever the hell I’m doing.
  • The impact of a new haircut. I’m always a little disappointed when I realize that I’m not a size 3 and I don’t look like a young Jane Fonda.
  • Ditto a new find on Zulily.
  • How good macaroni and cheese tastes. Or pancakes. I fight the craving for weeks or months but when I finally break down it never tastes as good as I thought it would taste. Then I’m pissed off because of the massive amounts of willpower I’ve wasted.

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Rally Car Driving

The Viking raced motorcycles in Europe once upon a time so he enjoys watching those races whenever he has the chance as well as getting on a bike for a good ride. I have never raced a motorcycle, except for a little Kawasaki mini bike my father bought when I was a kid and then it wasn’t so much racing as it was toodling around, so any interest I have in motorcycle racing is purely superficial and mostly to show my love to The Viking.

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You Were a Bastard in my Dream

Me: “If you want a different woman, fine!  But you can’t move her in with me and expect me to cook for her!!”

The Viking: “What?  I don’t want a different woman.”

Me: “You say that now, but when you find her at a pizza joint down the street you will be singing a different tune!”

The Viking: “Why would I go looking for a woman in the pizza place?”

Me: “That’s what I would like to know.”

The Viking: “There isn’t even a pizza place down the street.  The closest one is up on the hill.”

Me: “Hmmmm.  Why would I dream there is a pizza place down the street?”

The Viking: “I don’t know.  It’s your dream.”

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Squid Ink Pasta

What in the HELL is Squid Ink Pasta and why would anyone ever eat that?!  I ask because Jamie Oliver was cooking it and a group of people were sitting around making yummy noises!  I shit you not!!

Out of curiosity I checked at Safeway because maybe it’s so amazingly good that I would be a fool not to try it.  Guess what?  They didn’t have anything close to Squid Ink Pasta.  So am I supposed to make it from scratch?  If that’s the case then I have many questions.

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21 Day Exercise Challenge

Mim (my second offspring – not her real name because I’m trying to protect her privacy) suggested I join a 21 Day Challenge with her and if I understood – or more aptly paid attention – I wouldn’t have agreed.

It popped up on FB that I have an event this week. What ‘event’?  I don’t remember booking an event on FB.  Who would do something like that?

“Mom. We talked about this 2 days ago.”  Mim said.

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This Happens All the Time

Even at the best of times, I am a car crash. A ballerina I’m not!

I once slipped and fell in the middle of my sister’s wedding reception. In front of everyone.  And my fugly brown dress flipped up to show off my underpants.

I fell off the raised stage during a band concert. In front of everyone.  And my clarinet broke so I had to Mime the rest of the concert.

A pair of panties fell out of the leg of my pants in the middle of a crowd of dudes.

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Super Powers

I’m shocking. Not on purpose but shocking nonetheless.  And not shocking in a weird way like I iron my underwear or eat Kale.  I just shock things, particularly in the winter and mostly The Viking.  In the house I wear fur-lined Crocs (the best invention ever!) that keeps my feet from hurting and getting really cold but that’s when I become shocking.  I hand The Viking something and sah-nap!

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Did you just rev up my toothbrush?

My second attempt at finding an Adorable Life-Mate was a huge success. I have to give all the credit to him though, because I certainly tried his patience.  It’s not easy trying to find a new mate when your boobs are drooping, the threat of a double chin has become a reality and you need Sherpas to carry all the baggage you lugged out of your marriage.  He persisted though and I finally accepted that there wasn’t a porn addict or a rapist in the closet and he wasn’t after what little money I had (I evidentally watched too many Investigation Discovery programs like Homicide Hunter or Who the #$%* did I Marry?).

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My First Stalking Victim

There is a woman who lives in my neighbourhood and I really want to stalk her but not in a bad way. I live in the city so I see a lot of people every day and I almost never want to stalk them.  I noticed her last summer so I think she probably just moved into the neighbourhood.  She had a pretty blue dress on that ended right at her knees.  She has medium-length black hair, a very large butt, a prominent nose and isn’t particularly beautiful but I was captivated!

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