Welcome to the Neighbourhood and Sorry for Our Cat

On Saturday morning I happened to glance out the window that faces the back alley and saw two women stop and point at our fifth-wheel trailer and Goldwing.

That’s weird and who are those women?

Should I go out and see what they’re looking at?  I don’t want to look like a nosey, busy-body who charges and confronts everyone who walks past though.  On the other hand, maybe there’s a dead body – human, feline or canine.  Under those circumstances, I should definitely get out there because I don’t want any corpses lingering around.  Perhaps they aren’t pointing at anything at all but practicing dance moves – like John Travolta in Grease – and they don’t need my interference.   They’ve got the pointy finger bit perfect.

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Or, maybe there was something wrong with the trailer and because I don’t want to appear aggressive, the problem escalates into a full-blown catastrophe.  I could also wait until they move on and then rush out, but maybe they are stalking homes to burgle and me going out there might convince them this isn’t the neighbourhood for that kind of activity.

Decisions, decisions.

Okay.  I’m going out there.  However, I’ll pretend I’m on my way to put something in the garbage, so it doesn’t look like I’m suspicious of them.  They are both holding coffee mugs and that doesn’t seem like something a nefarious gang of robbers would have in their hands.

I started whistling as I sauntered toward the alley and at the moment the women could see me, I pretended surprise.  “Oh!  Haha!  I didn’t see you there.”

via GIPHY

They bought it.

Woman 1:  We are just trying to get our cat to come home and he’s under your trailer.

Phew!  So glad I didn’t come out like a Pitbull.

Woman 2:  He’s grey and white.  See, there he is, up on the fence!

Woman 1:  Hi, my name is Steph and this is Erin.

Me:  Nice to meet you.  I’m Lori.

Erin:  We just moved into the house at the end of the alley.  Our cat is Baloshi.

Me:  That’s wonderful.  Welcome to the neighbourhood!  I have two cats.  One is gray….

Steph:  That’s Teddy, right?

Me (wondering how they know that):  Yeees.

Have the neighbours been talking?  Of course they have! It’s the first law in Neighbourhood Rules:  Get to the Newbies first and spill all the dirt on everyone else.  You’re just being helpful after all and saving them from getting involved with the bad seeds on the block.

Erin:  He’s such a nice boy!  He’s making friends with Baloshi and it’s going really well.

Me:  That sounds exactly like Teddy.  He’s a sweetie.  Umm….I also have a black cat…..

I watched the smiles fade from both woman’s face.

Steph: Izzie.  Right?

Me:  I’m so sorry.  What did she do?

Erin:  She sits on our back step so we can’t get out.

Steph:  We tried just stepping around her but apparently that’s not a good idea.

Okay, that isn’t as bad as I was expecting.  It’s a simple Hostage-Taking.  Considering some of her past sins, this isn’t even 4^th on the list.

Me:  Did either of you bleed?

Erin:  Oh, no!  She just refused to move so we couldn’t get the door open.

Okay.  No physical damage then.  That’s good news.  Probably a little emotional trauma though.  I’m going to put this at a solid sixth on the list.

Me:  I’m really sorry.  We’ve tried talking to her but she either ignores us or calls us curse-y names.

Steph:  Oh, don’t worry.  It wasn’t that big of a deal.

Sure, you say that now but wait until she steals your car.  She’s already stolen two – the first time with the owner still in the actual car.  She made the critical mistake of having her window rolled down.  One of the neighbours heard her screams and came to get us.  The second time, Izzie just declared the vehicle as hers and refused to let the owner have it back until The Viking physically removed her.  That guy will lock his truck door next time he comes around.

So, I had a chat with Izzie.

“Izzie.  Stop taking the new people hostage.  I honestly didn’t think I would have to spell this out, but here we are.  Hostage Taking is forbidden.  Yes.  Another forbidden thing.  And since we’re already here, let me take the opportunity to remind you of the other forbidden behaviors.  Again.  You cannot….

• • Break into a person’s home and block them from getting out of their own house. Yes, I’m talking about Peter.
  • Steal household appliances. Yes, I’m still talking about Peter.
  • Steal vehicles, whether the owner is inside the vehicle at the time or not.
  • Stop traffic while you clean your ass in the middle of the street. All the honking brings the police.
  • Slap young children.
  • Take people hostage, even if you don’t draw blood – it’s a felony and you can be prosecuted!
  • Bully the dogs on the other side of the alley. Don’t bother denying.  Ross found your collar stuck on the fence.
  • Pick fights with Magpies or Ravens because they come back en masse and turn the entire block into a scene from Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’ and I’m forced to rescue you. Three birds shat on me last time.
  • And while I’m on the subject of ‘Birds’, you cannot catch birds outside and bring them inside to ‘finish them off’. That’s just gross.
  • And for fuck’s sake, stop beating up Teddy! Geezus!”

Have I missed anything?  Probably.  Give her a couple of days and I’m sure she’ll find something that will require my deepest apologizes to random strangers.  Our long-term neighbours don’t even require an apology anymore – we’re all in this together, I suppose.

So, welcome to the neighbourhood and we’re sorry about our cat.